Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week 3 in the AFC East

Can we just take a moment to appreciate just how insane the NFL is this year? The once-NFC-favorite Cardinals just got crushed by the Bills. The Eagles man-handled a Steelers offense many considered to be one of the best in the league. The Falcons are winning the NFC South (in case you forgot, that is also the the division that the Panthers are in), and the Vikings defense has been absolutely oppressive against two of the best offenses in the NFC. The NFL is a crazy and chaotic place, but amidst that chaos, there is but one constant…

New England Patriots (3-0)

3-jacoby-brissett.jpg

(Winslow Townson/USA TODAY Sports)

I’m going to start this section off by stating a few facts. Fact one: Bill Belichick is undisputedly the greatest coach in the salary cap era. Fact two: Since the salary cap was put into place, it has never been harder to maintain a consistently good team, and dynasties are nearly impossible when the system is rigged for “first to worst” from year to year. Fact three: No coach has done what Bill Belichick has done with a salary cap in place. I’ll let you all reach your own conclusions based on the above facts.

And for those of you who might question the above facts, I’ve added a helpful definition below:

Fact

/fakt/

noun

  1. a thing that is indisputably the case.

Now let’s get back to the silly jokes. The Texans, AMIRIGHT?!?! Woah, ZINGER!

I don’t see how this team can be in the “contender” conversation anymore. Sure, they can still win the AFC South, but that’s because Andrew Luck’s offensive line consists of two infant children, a particularly large sparrow, a decorative fern and Jeb Bush (that’s where he disappeared to everybody). But after getting smacked by a Patriots team with a QB3 starting, no Dont’a Hightower, and only 14 snaps of Gronk, the Texans’ road looks like it can only go as far as Foxborough, and likely not even there

By the way, a round of applause for LeGarrette Blount. The half rhino/half man/half marijuana-smoking-implement has been absolutely rock-solid this year, and has put to rest any questions about the effectiveness of the Patriots’ backfield. I suppose that since he isn’t going to get his annual 300-yard game against the Colts, he’s choosing to spread those yards out over the first four games of the season until Brady gets back.

(By the way, the only reason he won’t get that 300-yard game against the Colts is that they literally are not on the schedule.)

Going into Week 4, the Patriots are looking to have Jacoby Brissett or Jimmy G back, if not both. And while that is obviously good news, I almost want Julian Edleman to get the start, if for no other reason than to shove it up Rex Ryan’s a^%..

New York Jets (1-2)

Woof. I didn’t know late-onset colorblindness was a condition. That’s about all that could possibly explain what the hell Fitzy was doing under center last week. Now I’m not going to pile it on too hard; I’m sure you’ve all had your fill of Fitz-hate over the past few days on the Tweeter and Snapface. So instead, I’ll direct my aggression to the New York Jets as an organization as a whole. The Jets let an aging quarterback who put together a single season of halfway decent stats and missed the playoffs dictate their offseason contract negotiations, and now they’re stuck with a Fitz who’s lost his magic. Brandon Marshall begged for him, they got Matt Forte to replace Ivory on the ground, and they paid the man to play like true QB1. Guess what Jets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eS_JQkWS80

Now, I can’t rag on the Jet’s defense too much (ok, yes I can, but not until later). Two of the Jets’ turnovers were returned for scores, meaning the defense actually held the Chiefs to a respectable 13 points. So here’s my theory: Start playing the defense on both sides of the ball. That way, when Fitz throws another interception, the defense is already on the field to stop the defender from scoring! It’ll cut the number of points scored against the Jets in half*!

*Study sample size: 1

This is the Jets team I love to see. A Jets team that collapses in on itself like a dying star, if the star was never actually a star, just an oversized, overhyped mass of sadness and depression.

Miami Dolphins (1-2)

092516-spt-dolphins-browns-ae-001.jpg

(Allen Eyestone/Palm Beach Post)

Yes, I have the Dolphins ranked higher than the Bills. But that’s only because I’ve seen what this team can do. Week 2 during the second half was electric. The offense clicked. All cylinders were firing. The defense was stingy and aggressive.

And for some reason I’m still surprised that the Dolphins can’t look at the things that work in film study and say to themselves “Let’s do that!” I mean, come on. If you have to ask me who I was rooting for, the answer is the Browns, no question. Terrelle Pryor played his heart out, and Cody Kessler looks like he has at least 2 more weeks in him until Cleveland siphons the last ounce of quarterbacking talent from his body in order to keep fueling the sadness and hate that keep the city alive (or so I assume).

I do have to say, the Dolphins are a model of consistency. Maybe the most consistent team in the NFL. Because for god-knows how many years in a row, the Dolphins have been the most inconsistent team in the league. They are so consistently inconsistent you can almost bet money that they’ll look like playoff shoo-ins one week and division dumpster-fires the next. I wonder if the Dolphins can ever truly be a playoff team. To me, it seems that inconsistent play is so ingrained in the lifeblood of Miami that no matter how much they change (or don’t change), they can’t seem to do the football things week to week. Even renaming the stadium to The Rock (good Nicholas Cage movie, sub-par Sean Connery movie) hasn’t helped stabilize their shaky play. I’ll leave you all with this: don’t believe in anything the Dolphins are doing until they’ve done it for three weeks. Then buy into whatever they’re selling (hopefully alcohol).

Buffalo Bills (1-2)

Remember when I said the NFL was a crazy and chaotic place? Well the Buffalo f&^$ing Bills just beat the Cardinals. THE CARDINALS. You know, that team that was favorited nearly as heavily as Carolina to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl? Well that NFC contender just got dumpstered by the dumpster-fire of the AFC East. You know, that team with one of the best front sevens in the league? Well that top-tier front seven just got absolutely shredded by an offensive line that’s just an oversized man-child with a really cool name (I shouldn’t have to explain further on this man’s identity) from being just as bad as the Colts.

The CarDinals didn’t have an AnSwer for EiTher LeSean McCoy. (You see what I mean about having that many capital letters in your name? It’s absurd.) They also couldn’t find an answer for Tyrod Taylor, who both cleaved through the Cardinals defense in the air and on the ground. On the other side of the ball, the Bills had all of the answers for Arizona’s multitude of offensive threats.

I’m not going to elaborate more on the game. Not only because I want to keep up the illusion that I actually watched the game, but also because it’s nearing my bed time (I have to wake up early to ask Satan for the deal he gave Belichick). But one last note: the Bills are cocky. Rex Ryan is cocky. They’ve got that swagger about them now. And that’s just the way I like to enjoy my wins. It’s no fun when a team goes into New England with certain defeat on their minds. But Rex and the Bills will come in puffing huffing their chests, right up until the point that Bill Belichick punctures their chest cavity, deflating their lungs right along with any illusions of being a “good team.”

Conclusion (or: Goddamn, I Really Have to Keep Doing These?)

Bill Belichick is the GOAT. End of discussion.

I love watching the Jets have their midseason collapse, especially when it’s only Week 3.

The Dolphins are the masters of giving their fans hope before ripping it away. Apparently it’s more satisfying for them that way.

Congrats, you beat the Cardinals. But you think you’re good? Bring it Rex.  

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