Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week 2 in the AFC East

In this introduction to the AFC East Recap, I would like to publicly thank Caleb Sturgis for missing that extra point on Monday night. You see, I’ve met Caleb Sturgis before, and from the moment our eyes met, I could tell he was a quality guy. Monday night only confirmed that when he single-handedly lost my friend Will his fantasy game. That’s right, this had nothing to do with me personally: I am thanking him for letting me relish in the misery of a close friend. Now that you’ve had but a small glimpse into the endless ocean of my pettiness, let’s dive into Week 2.

New England Patriots (2-0)

Sadness. Darkness. Depression. These are the thoughts that flooded my mind when I saw Jimmy Garoppolo walk to the locker room this Sunday after landing hard on his shoulder. It was shortly after these thoughts entered my mind that I realized just how much my dear Jimmy meant to me. I realized that I don’t want to see him gone. Not to an injury, not in a trade. I want him in New England. Is…is this what love feels like?

But since then I’ve focused myself. I can’t let myself be distracted by the hot new intern; New England is in a beautiful, flourishing marriage with Tom Brady, and no matter how beautiful the new guy’s deep ball is, we can’t forget everything that Tom has done for…

See the Mismatch 2.gif

Okay, can we keep both?

The defense was a tale to two halves. The absolutely oppressive Patriots D that held Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins to f*^%-all in the first half got shredded by the no-huddle in the second. Logan Ryan got repeatedly burned deep (god damn it’s Week 2 and that sentence is already getting old) by DeVante Parker, who outmatched him with his size and speed to make big plays for the Dolphins. The Patriots also lacked an answer for Jarvis Landry in the second half, who carved them up for way too much yardage across the middle.

But at the end of the day, they held on for the win.

As for next week, I expect the defenses to star in what should be a low-scoring match. Though Jimmy Garoppolo has yet to be ruled out for Thursday, everyone should expect rookie QB Jacoby Brisket to get the start. Fortunately, he shouldn’t have that hard of a time, as he still has a number of weapons at his dispsos-

J.J.-Watt-Houston-Texans-bloody-nose-after-loss-to-Seahawks-September-2013_083030.jpg

Oh that poor child.

New York Jets (1-1)

Sigh. Well, I suppose it was an inevitability that another AFC East team would notch a win. I just don’t know if this statement win means that the Jets are that good, or if the Bills are just that bad. Fitzy brought the bearded magic with almost 400 yards through the air, as he made use of Brandon Marshall, Eric Decker and a wide receiver I have literally never heard of. Seriously, is there a guy named Quincy Enunwa in the league? Because he’s credited with 6 receptions for 92 yards against the Bills this past Sunday and I was completely unaware of his existence.

Matt Forte also continues to show that literally every team in the league messed up by not signing him. I don’t know if the veteran can keep chugging along at the pace of 30 carries per game, but as long as Matt Forte is in the backfield, the Jets will have the ability to attack defenses through the air and on the ground.

What the Jets need to worry about (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) is their defense. Letting up 31 points to a Buffalo offense that scored a measly 7 points against the Ravens is not a good sign for the future. At this point, Todd Bowles’ best bet to stopping opponents from throwing the football with such success might be to fan the flames of the dumpster fire that is Darrelle Revis in the hopes that it produces enough smoke to obscure the opposing quarterback’s vision. Seriously, Revis doesn’t just look like an overpaid cornerback; he looks like he shouldn’t be starting in the National Football League.

goodwin.gif

After Thursday’s contest against the Bills, the Jets look like serious playoff contenders, which is how I know they’ll finish just outside of the last wild card spot.

Miami Dolphins (0-2)

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(AP Photo/Charles Krupa)

I must say, the Dolphins impressed me on Sunday. Normally it takes them a whole week to waver between playoff contenders and absolute garbage. Now they’re changing identities by the half!

I guess Adam Gase was able to use Garoppolo’s injury to fuel some sort of blood magic ritual during halftime in order to reinvigorate his team (Bill Belichick nods in approval), because the Dolphins looked like a completely different group coming into the second half.

Seriously, the Dolphins should never huddle ever again. Ever. Period. Not even on defense. Not even during timeouts. NEVER.

Their no-huddle offense drove Matt Patricia’s defense absolutely insane, and the rhythm of short and deep passes kept the Patriots guessing as to where the ball was going to be thrown. Jarvis Landry is quick,  Devante Parker is big, and both took advantage of those traits on Sunday to rack up big numbers in the second half. If the Dolphins can get their running game to settle in—and, you know, play for a whole 60 minutes for once—then they may be poised to start a delayed run to the playoffs.

Or, you know, they won’t.

Buffalo Bills (0-2)

Do I really have to talk about the Bills? Really? You know what, rather than talk about how garbage the Buffalo Bills are, I’m going to talk about actual garbage.

(Most of the following was copied directly from the Wikipedia page on garbage.)

The composition of municipal solid waste varies greatly from municipality to municipality and changes significantly with time. In municipalities which have a well developed waste recycling system, the waste stream consists mainly of intractable wastes such as plastic film and unrecyclable packaging materials. In developed municipalities without significant recycling activity it predominantly includes food wastes, market wastes, and yard wastes.

Waste collection is performed by the municipality within a given area. Waste can be classified in several ways but the following list represents a typical classification:

Conclusion (or TL;DR)

Apparently I have to write these damn conclusions to my articles, so we’re gonna keep it short and sweet.

The Patriots are a little shaky without Jimmy G under center, but no worries as they’re already set in a good spot until Brady returns for Week 5.

The Jets are deceptively good, but I believe in their ability to shoot themselves in the foot in the final weeks and miss the playoffs because they’re the Jets.

The Dolphins could be good. Given that this has been the sentiment echoed by the organization and fans for the last 13-some years, I’m gonna lean towards “no.”

The Bills are garbage, and if there was a place lower than the basement of the AFC East, I would f^%$ing put them there.

Post Script

Don’t get used to this bonus content, I don’t like to be funny for this long. But for those of you wondering why my Dolphins section often ends up shorter than the others, it’s not because I hate writing about the Dolphins. Don’t get me wrong, I do, but that’s not the reason. The reason is that this whole site is about the Dolphins, and if you want some actual insight into how the team is doing, you should check out some of the amazing content written by the actually competent writers here at the Deep End Miami.

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