Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week 16 in the AFC East
Alright, last week was painful. Maybe one of the worst weeks of football this year. First we find out that Peyton Manning may or may not have taken HGH, and mere hours later we find out that no one gives a damn what Manning took (NFL included). Then the Patriots decided to kick the ball in OT, because the machinations of Bill Belichick’s mind are an enigma. Then the Dolphins were beaten by Charlie Whitehurst… who? Like actually, did they just ask a fan from the stadium to throw the ball for them at one point? Dear God. And worst of all, by far, the Jets won.
F*%# the Jets.
New England Patriots:
This narrative is getting old. Like, Steven Jackson-old. At this point, I can just be thankful that Edleman and Amendola will both be healthy for the playoffs. Given how this season has gone with injuries, however, I think we can all expect them to be injured by the 2nd quarter of the Patriots’ first playoff game.
Tom Brady continues to show why he should be right up there with Cam Newton in the MVP race, even if no one else is listening. All of his top four targets have been out at some point over the season, with Edleman and Dion Lewis having been hurt for roughly half the season. That’s right, remember Lewis? That guy who was just another example of why Belichick the GM is even more brilliant than Belichick the head coach? Brady continues to succeed and put up MVP numbers despite missing half or more of his receiving corps. Oh, and don’t even get me started on that offensive line. It’s so beat up at this point that I think I’d rather have the Dolphins’ big uglies.
Ok, I guess they’re not that beat up.
The defense continues to step up in moments where the offense starts to falter. And to put the issue to rest, that’s why Belichick elected to kick in overtime. Our defense was hot, and it was the only reason we were even in that game. Meanwhile, Brady had struggled for much of the game. Belichick thought his defense could get the stop, so the Patriots would only have to get into field goal range (which for Gostowski lies somewhere in the Pacific Ocean) to win the game. Jabaal Sheard continues to have the best season of his career, and when you consider most of his numbers have come up in the second half of the season, you start to think about how good he could really be.
Jamie Collins, I’ve missed you. Please, never leave me again.
New York Jets:
F*%# the Jets.
The Bills beat the Cowboys last week, and honestly I could not give less of a s*%#. None of that matters. The past doesn’t matter. Next season doesn’t matter. All that matters is Week 17. Do you know why? Because, for maybe the last time ever, Rex Ryan has a chance to ruin the playoff hopes of the Jets. That’s right people. Rex Ryan can once again be the direct cause of a wasted season for the Jets, only this time he’s not even their head coach. It would be beautiful! And it would be all the sweeter, because, as I’ve said multiple times throughout this article, F*%# THE JETS.
So, instead of worrying about last week, I’m going to give you a look into the future. That’s right people, brace yourselves, because I’m about to start making predictions (more or less).
So here’s how the Bills win. First of all, Sammy Watkins needs to feast on Revis Island. We know he can do it, too. We know Tyrod Taylor has the talent to hit him when he does. More importantly, we know Tyrod Taylor has literally no one else to throw to. If the Bills are going to win, it starts with Sammy Watkins giving Revis one hell of a night.
Secondly, Karlos Williams has to score a touchdown. He’s done it in almost every game he’s played this year (I think all but two), and the Bills need the 7 points that his presence almost guarantees.
Thirdly, the Bills’ defense needs to shut down the Fitzy to Marshall connection. No longer can we live in a world where people mock Fitzy as the death seal for an offense. No, the Amish Rifle has finally grown into that magnificent beard of his, and has torched more than one defense that hasn’t prepared for him. Also, Marshall is still good at football; as in, very good at football. To make matters worse, the Jets found some wide receiver to play for them that no one’s ever heard of. He calls himself Eric Decker, and he claims to have played professional football for the past five years. He says he used to catch balls from that HGH guy, but I don’t buy it.
Lastly, the Bills need Rex Ryan. No, no, not 2015 Rex Ryan. They need mid 2000’s, morbidly obese Rex Ryan. THAT’S the Rex Ryan that can ruin yet another season for the Jets, and it’s the Rex Ryan that the Bills need on Sunday. So bulk up Rex; the world needs you.
God, do I really have to write about this? No, I just can’t do it this week. I promise I’ll have an article for Patriots-Dolphins, but I just can’t sit here and write about the Dolphins attempt to beat a Colts team led by Clipboard Jesus. You know what, just throw in your favorite GIFs from the past year. I know I didn’t write much, but the Powers that Be* are cruel and unyielding, and demand my pain and suffering as tribute to them in the form of manual labor. So goodnight, and Happy Kwanzaa!