Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week Eleven in the AFC East

Oh dear God was that game atrocious. Seriously, what is it about Monday Night Football that causes refs to lose their ability to officiate a game? And you’re telling me that an organization as rich as the NFL can’t afford to employ full time officials? What the [expletive] is that? Anyway, you guys are probably tired of listening to me complain about poor officiating, so let’s go ahead and dive in to Week 11. 

New England Patriots:

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Let’s start of the article by complaining about poor officiating. Oh right, I already did that. Instead, let me bring your attention to a phenomenon that has been increasingly apparent to me. When the inadvertent whistle was blown, a potential 70-yard touchdown for a struggling Patriots’ offense squad was ended. Instead, it turned into 0 points, and a short field that led to a Bills touchdown. You know what the best part is? NO ONE GAVE A FLYING [expletive]! Nobody talked about how the Patriots got robbed. No one was outraged. People were more upset about the Bills not getting their last second Hail Mary because Sammy Watkins actually managed to crawl out-of-bounds! And, you know what? I love it! I love that a messed up call caused a 14 point swing in a close game, and no one showed the Pats any sympathy! The Patriots have been the evil empire since the early 2000’s, and that’s true now more than ever.

As for actual analysis, all I can say is that Tom Brady is great. Any other quarterback in the league would have crumbled under the pressure of trying to lead this offense. Lewis and Edleman are gone, Gronk got shutdown, Amendola left the game late in the third quarter and yet Brady still found a way to get it done. Not even mentioning the fact that our offensive line continued to play like garbage, with Tom Brady getting hit ten times. On the defensive side of the ball, Malcolm Butler continues to prove that he’s a shutdown corner, while Jonathan Freeny continues to prove how badly we need Jamie Collins back.

New York Jets:

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Alright, I’m going to be honest with you. I did not watch the Jets game. I did not read a recap of the Jets game. I simply looked at the final score, and with that knowledge alone, here’s my recap of Jets-Texans.

Despite continuing to have one of the leagues stingier defenses, the Jets failed to generate any turnovers, despite T.J. Yates/Brian Hoyer leading the offense. The Texans were able to get creative on offense, using trick plays and creative formations to punch it in when they got near the goal line. Darrelle Revis was able to lock down DeAndre Hopkins for much of the night, but got burned deep on a couple of passes, especially once late in the game for a score. Ryan Ftizpatrick was a serviceable quarterback for most of the night, even using his legs to keep a few plays and avoid having his ass tattooed with the words “Property of J.J. Watt.” In the end, Fitzy was asked to do too much and, as the Jets had to abandon the run game, the Texans keyed in on the one-dimensional Jets offense and punished Fitzy for it.

So? How’d I do? Let me know if I got most of that right, because if I can manage to write about the Jets without having to watch the Jets attempt to play football, that might be the happiest news I’ve gotten all year.

Buffalo Bills:

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Dear LeSean McCoy,

I’d like to thank you for dropping all of those footballs Monday night against the Patriots. It really did a lot to help us secure the win, and I can’t express how happy it made me to see Rex Ryan get beaten by the Patriots yet again. Maybe if you weren’t hindered by all of those extra capital letters in your name, you would’ve been able to catch the ball with a little bit more ease Monday night. Regardless, I just wanted to thank you for a being an abysmal pass catcher.

Sincerely,

Christian Hunt

Also, can we discuss how Rex Ryan got his reputation as the Patriots Kryptonite? Yeah, he’s been one of the more successful coaches against Brady and Belichick, but I feel like every goddamn time Rex goes up against the Patriots, everyone’s yammering about how great Rex is at stopping the Pats. The truth of the matter is that Rex isn’t a wall; he’s a speed bump. He slows the Pats down more than most guys, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gotten his ass whipped by Bill Belichick more times than any other coach in the league right now.

Tyrod Taylor continues to impress me. Not with his legs or athleticism, but with his instincts. He doesn’t make the same stupid mistakes you see a lot of agile quarterbacks make, and he’s smart about when to scramble out of the pocket. He plays more like Alex Smith than Russell Wilson in my humble (and moderately irrelevant) opinion, except that he has the arm to take the deep shot when it’s open. Taylor looks more like a pro every time I watch him play, and I only hope that whatever injury he sustained last night doesn’t keep him out for any extended period of time.

Miami Dolphins:

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This was a tough game to watch. Not because it was a terrible game or anything, but because I’m already home for thanksgiving break, and I had to watch it on a shitty TV and couldn’t see the score, quarter, or clock for most of the game. Regardless, Dan “Ten Percent Luck” Campbell seemed dedicated to the early run, looking primed to run it down the Cowboys’ throats in vintage-Dan-“Twenty Percent Skill”-Campbell fashion. And when I say vintage-Dan-“Fifteen Percent Concentrated Power of Will”-Campbell, I am of course harkening back to the glory days when the Dolphins eviscerated the Texans and Titans like they were playing high school junior varsity teams. But Dan “Five Percent Pleasure” Campbell had to abandon the run as the game continued on, and as the Dolphins’ offense became more one-dimensional, the Cowboys were able to clamp down on the Dolphins’ O. Despite his impressive two game stretch, Dan “Fifty Percent Pain” Campbell doesn’t have this team playing with the same fire he did when he first got on board. As the season progresses, time will tell if Dan “And A Hundred Percent Reason To Remember the Name” Campbell has what it takes to be a head coach in the NFL.

Also, I see you Lamar. I see you.

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