Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Breakdown of Week 10 in the AFC East

Week 10 has come and gone, and before we dive into Week 11. Let’s take a quick recap of the AFC East.

New England Patriots

Alright, you know what, you’re right. That was a weak introduction. I’m better than that. Ok, maybe I’m not better than that, but damnit I’d like to think I am. So before we get into the meat of this article, I’m going to try and slide in one last joke. You ready? Here it goes…

New York Jets

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You see what I did there? Alright, let’s get serious now (or at least as serious as we ever get in this series). Let me start by saying that “color-rush” may have been the league’s worst decision since reducing Greg Hardy’s suspension. The uniform clashing was atrocious, and I thank God that I don’t write about the AFC South, because there is no chance in hell I’m going to watch the Jags play in those baby-poop uniforms. I mean seriously, those uniforms look like someone ate a “roast beef” sandwich from Arby’s (and I do use the term “roast beef” lightly) and the NFL color matched their excretions. I know this because I had Arby’s for the first time this past weekend, and never have I been so disgusted by something claiming to be “beef.” I do not include Taco Bell in this statement, because, of course they fully advertise that their ground-beef is in fact ground-horse.

Right, football. Sorry. There’s something about the Jets that sends me on tangents about fast food and bodily functions, which is exactly what the Bills took on the Jets this past Thursday. Don’t let the score fool you; the Bills were in control for the entire game. The Jets had no answer to an oppressive Bills defense, and the Jets’ own defense failed to force turnovers from a healthy Bills ‘O. The Jets can win games when they force turnovers, but continue to struggle against conservative offenses that refuse to turn the ball over. The Jets lost a crucial game to the fellow Wild Card-hopeful Bills, and I think this is the loss that eventually keeps them out of the playoffs.

New England Patriots:

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Did you hear that they’re making a sequel to that movie American Sniper? Except in this one Bradley Cooper plays Stephen Gostowski, the man who may be the most talented kicker the NFL has ever seen. Vinatieri may have made more clutch kicks over his career, but fin terms of pure talent, power, and accuracy, no one tops Gostowski.

I’m going to level with you here. I thought the Patriots were going to lose this game for a while. The Giants looked like the better team on Sunday, due in no small part to the barrage of injuries the Pats have sustained. Without Edleman and Lewis, the offense stalled, and a Giants pass rush that has been lackluster all year was able to get penetration against a banged-up Patriots o-line. I don’t care what anyone says about the big-uglies. They’re some of the most important players in the league, and the only person who wants the Patriots’ big-uglies to come back more than me is Tom Brady.

On the bright side, Gronkowski continues to show us that he has been genetically engineered to dominate football fields. My favorite man-child continues to prove himself a force of nature, and is consistently Brady’s favorite tool to inflict pain upon those who would deny him ultimate glory. I don’t know what Brady considers ultimate glory, but by God he’s going to use Gronk to get there.

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Back to injuries: JAMIE COLLINS. THIS IS AN S.O.S. PLEASE COME BACK AS SOON AS YOU CAN. OH MY GOD IF I WATCH ANOTHER LINEBACKER GET BURNED ACROSS THE MIDDLE I’M GOING TO CRY.

Sincerely,

All Patriots fans

Ahem, as I was saying, last night’s game really showed me just how crucial Collins is to this defense. Without him sitting back in coverage, Eli Manning was able to pick on our linebackers all night. Eli Manning also picked on our cornerbacks not named Malcolm Butler or Logan Ryan, but that’s less of an issue. Not many teams have that many big-bodied receivers that can bully corners quite so well.

Speaking of the Butler, can we give that man a round of applause? I’m running out of words, so I’ll keep this short, but damn does that man have talent. Or maybe just willpower. Or drugs. Maybe all three, I don’t know. Regardless, he did a hell of a job Sunday night when the rest of our defense was getting manhandled. Patriots fans should be looking forward to him anchoring that secondary for years to come.

Buffalo Bills:

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Alright, we’re going to keep this short since I mentioned it in the Jets section, but here it goes. I really hate Arby’s. Like good God, I’m still pissed that I paid them $8 to give me food poisoning advertised as roast beef. They are an atrocity and a plague on this nation, which is why I am starting a social movement called “End Arby’s.” The purpose of the movement is to raise social awareness of the sickness that plagues our country, and to get Arby’s to tell us what the hell they put in their sandwiches, because I guarantee you it isn’t cow.

Alright. Football. I’m good. While the Bills’ defense and special teams are what really won them the game, it was the offense that was able to keep them firmly in the lead for most of the night. This is a unit that simply doesn’t make mistakes. LeSean McCoy, besides having way too many capital letters in his name, has been nearly flawless while healthy this season, showing what I am going to tell you is the best ball security of his career*. Karlos Williams has scored at least one touchdown in every single game he’s played this year, and Lord Almighty is he efficient with his carries. He may only be a change-of-pace back in Buffalo, but I’d be surprised if he didn’t start somewhere in a few years. Tyrod Taylor continues to play smart, conservative football, staying chilly in the pocket and only scrambling when he needs to. He has shown all the right qualities of a pro-football quarterback, and I can’t wait to see how long it takes for Rex Ryan to get himself a Taylor tattoo.

Miami Dolphins:

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Some people are thinking the Dolphins season is over. Some are suggesting that they tank. Well let me tell you, the “tank” in Dan “The Tank” Campbell’s name does not stand for the act of throwing games. It stands for the M1A2 Abrams Third Generation Main Battle Tank, which, like Campbell, is a nigh indestructible source of raw fire power and artillery that will out-gun, out-run, and out-badass any enemy dumb enough to stand against it.

As if having a coach named after one of the greatest feats of American military engineering wasn’t enough, the Dolphins had Lady Luck on their side. Not only did Sam Bradford go down with an injury halfway through the game (which at this point is more of an inevitability than a surprise), but they also had a Landry touchdown that would have likely been an interception, had it not been batted into the air.

Suh finally decided to show up and earn his exorbitant paycheck, which we can only assume is the result of a stern talking to from Dan Campbell. That’s right; no nickname on that one. I like to keep you guys on your toes. I know what you’re thinking Robert. You’re thinking, “Oh, I guess he’s finally run out of Dan Campbell nicknames.” Well Robert, I’ll have you know, that just like Dan “The Level 18 Paladin” Campbell, I’ll never stop spitting fire. The only difference is that, while I spit a metaphorical fire that is actually half-assed nicknames, Dan Campbell spits actual fire.

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