Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week Nine in the AFC East

Jesus, have we already hit the halfway mark? Sigh, soon it’ll be back to nothing but baseball and sadness *sniff*. But that dark, dark time is still many moons away, so until then, here’s your Week 9 recap.

New England Patriots:

2015-11-08T185534Z_768527228_NOCID_RTRMADP_3_NFL-WASHINGTON-REDSKINS-AT-NEW-ENGLAND-PATRIOTS-5312

What were you expecting for this opening? Perhaps a Kirk Cousins “You like that!” gif? That would have been far too easy and, at this point, has been overdone. We here at the Deep End Miami pride ourselves on our honesty, and consider ourselves above the use of cheap, overused gags seen on other sports websites.

“But Christian, you’ve shown the butt-fumble in more than half your articles! Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite?”

No it doesn’t, voice-inside-my-head, because that is a timeless work of art which remained at the very top of ESPN’s “Not Top Ten”, for so long that they actually had to retire it. We have the utmost class here at the Deep End, and will conduct ourselves accordingly.

Now onto actual analysis. Kirk Cousins actually looked pretty good, and was able to hit his receivers on under routes and deep cuts. However, the stats don’t really reflect that, as the Redskins’ wide receivers had so many drops, you’d think they all attended Jason Pierre Paul’s 4th of July party (like I said, all about class).

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Had the Redskins’ receivers actually held onto the ball, they might have even had the Patriots worried. Ok, no they wouldn’t have, but they might’ve had another team worried. The Patriots’ defense played well enough, or as well as can be expected without Jamie Collins. Collins’ replacement, “Generic Back-up Linebacker 2,” played well in his stead, though the defense missed his athleticism. Chandler Jones looks like he’s finally making the leap from good to great, and everyone needs to recognize it. He’s quietly putting together one of the more impressive years for a defensive player, and will hopefully be with the Patriots for years to come.

Oh crap, I haven’t talked about the offense. I’ll gloss over the offense as a whole so I can talk about the offensive line. What Josh McDaniels is doing with a unit that has taken as many hits as this one, is amazing. But things are getting stretched to the breaking point, and if injuries keep up like this, soon we’ll have Danny Amendola sit on Julian Edelman’s shoulders and count them as an offensive tackle.

New York Jets:

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I’ve got to talk about Jets-Jaguars now? Are you [expletive] kidding me? Sigh, it’s hard to write funny things about two teams that are both jokes already, but damnit I’m going to give it my best.

Fitzy showed some toughness on Sunday, looking like he might have actually had the grit grow that beard instead of asking Charlie Whitehurst to grow it for him (for those of you unfamiliar with Charlie Whitehurst aka Clipboard Jesus, do us all a favor and go educate yourselves). He played through a torn ligament to help guide the Jets to a win on Sunday, and by “guide the Jets to a win” I mean “stayed healthy enough that he was still a better option than Geno Smith.” And by “healthy enough that he was still a better option than Geno Smith,” what I actually mean is “still had both legs attached to his body and had an arm capable of making movement that could be considered a throw.”

I’m sorry, that was a lot of quotation marks. You still with me? No? Ok, take your time. No please, go ahead, reread it. We’ll all wait here.

Just kidding, we’re moving on without that moron. Alright, so the Jets’ defense looks like it’s returned to form, and by that I mean—huh, it looks like my quotation mark key is broken. Oh well. Anyway, the Jets’ defense was finally able to generate turnovers again and likewise, the Jets were able to snap their two-game losing streak. They’ve finally kicked the old Patriots-PTSD, and look like a unit ready to terrorize opposing offenses. At 5-3, this unit still very much has a shot at the playoffs, and Buffalo-Jets this Thursday could decide the fate of both teams (more on that later).

Buffalo Bills:

(It is now later)

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Ok, so going into Week 10, let’s talk about Rex Ryan. He’s got the biggest personality of any head coach not named Bill Belichick (who has won the leagues’ “Mr. Personality” award for the past 10 years), and easily the biggest mouth. The interview shenanigans he pulled, however many days ago, were vintage Rex. Personally, I still miss morbidly obese Rex Ryan but if history is any indicator, he’ll be swinging around to the other side of the diabetes-pendulum soon enough (remember what I was saying about class?). Rex is being Rex, but enough about the future; we’re here to focus on the past. The bitter, salty past.

To all the Dolphins fans out there, I’m sorry that Rex Ryan ended yet another playoff-potential season for you. But don’t be mad; it’s just a race to see who loses to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game anyway.

Anyway, remember what I said about the Bills at the beginning of the year? How that, even though this offense was paper thin, it could do wonders when all of its pieces were in place? Well all of the pieces were in place this Sunday, which featured a healthy Tyrod Taylor who threw the ball to a healthy Sammy Watkins, and also a healthy LeSean McCoy who ran the ball while a healthy Karlos Williams came in to change the pace. When these playmakers are active, the Bills have, and I cannot believe I’m saying this, one of the better offenses in the NFL. This isn’t a unit that needs to try and survive while its defense wins games. Unlike the Jets, who are reliant almost solely on turnovers to win games, the Bills have an offense that’s capable of pulling its own weight instead of waiting for the defense to pick up the slack. If the defense can just hit home a little more often on that pass rush, this team could potentially make the playoffs, and it starts Thursday night against the Jets.

Miami Dolphins:

NFL: Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills

You know, I have the same conversation with my editor every year, and it goes a little something like this.

Editor: “I’m so excited for this year. This is the year we finally step up and make it to the playoffs! We’re done being mediocre!”

Me: “Well that’s all well and good, but don’t you say this every year?”

Editor: “Yeah, but this year is different. We added [insert player here], and shook up the coaching staff by hiring [insert coach/coordinator/GM here].”

Me: “Sigh”

I guess what I’m getting at here is that it just feels like more of the same with the Dolphins this year. They’ll lose a few close games to some really tough teams that should have blown them out, but then they’ll drop a few games to some team that they should have had no business losing too. The Dolphins seem to be stuck in the same cycle, which I think my editor wrote a piece on. Granted, I didn’t actually read it; I don’t read anything on this glorified blog. But don’t worry Miami, cause I have the solution. You simply need to fire Joe Philbin every two weeks and replace him with Dan “I Eat Nails For Breakfast… Without Any Milk” Campbell, start off practice with Oklahoma drills and practice squad sacrifices, then rinse and repeat. It would also help if you guys got to keep playing the dumpster-fire AFC South for the rest of the year, but you’ll have to take that up with the man who runs the league (Bill Belichick).

Regardless Dolphins fans, while you may have already resigned yourself to waiting for next year, there is a lot of hope going into the future (excluding the projected 2017 salary cap implosion). Who knows if you guys will hang onto Dan “Salt the Wound” Campbell, but if upper management decides to move on, they better hope he goes quietly.

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