Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Recap of Week Eight in the AFC East

Hello there, good reader. Is it me, or do you seem more attractive today? More intelligent? More refined? Or perhaps it’s all three, which means you must be getting ready to read the Week 8 Recap of the AFC East.

New England Patriots:

PI-NFL-Patriots-Brady-12162014-afcseedingswk15.vadapt.620.high.94

Alright, I’m not going to drag this out any longer than I have to, but damn. This Patriots team is on another level compared to anything I’ve ever seen before. I had my doubts about this squad being better than it was in 2007, but Thursday night showed me something else.

The defense stepped up in a game where the offense struggled early on and, for the first time this year, proved to be a strength of this team rather than a liability. The most notable thing about Thursday night was that it was the best game of the year thus far for the Patriots pass rush, featuring two sacks by Chandler Jones. Jones has totaled 8.5 SACKS? through 7 games, and has everyone asking the question “was he a great pick, or a legendary pick?” (He was totes a legendary pick).

Miami Dolphins v New England Patriots

Some people out there are crediting the Patriots’ offense for winning this game. Some people are idiots. Okay, most people are idiots, but not you man. You read the best AFC East recap in the world (or at least on the Deep End). Tom Brady finally got something going in the second quarter, but only after the Dolphins stuffed the offense on multiple drives. If the defense hadn’t made a stand there, the game could have very easily opened up 24-7. Granted, that’s still well within Brady’s comeback radius (for those wondering, that distance has been measured at approximately 117.8 light years), but would have been a much more difficult game to pull off. I will say that Dion Lewis, the guy we decided to replace Sean Verone with, is the real deal. If you count this guy’s receiving yards out of the backfield as rushing yards, the Patriots actually have a fairly balanced offense. This guy might be even more dominant out of the backfield than Seth Verane, who now plays for the Giants. And by “plays for the Giants,” I mean he sits back and watches Eli throw it to Odell.

Lastly, to finish the night, a message for Rob Gronkowski:

“Me like you. Me like you play football. You no get hurt please. Hurt Gronk make me sad.”

Seriously, can we lock him in a warehouse layered in bubble wrap until the playoffs start? That man is an animal, but goddamn does he scare me sometimes.

New York Jets:

Good-Geno

Some of you may be wondering; how the hell did the RAIDERS make the Jets’ defense look like a bunch of middle schoolers? Is it because Derek Carr is one of the best young QBs in football? He is, but I don’t think that’s the reason. Is it because Latavius Murray and Amari Cooper are two of the best young weapons in the league? Not quite.

“Well damn then Christian, I finished taking a dump two minutes ago! Hurry up and tell me so I can get out of the bathroom!”

Alright, I’ll cut to the chase. I believe, from my vast medical experience (I once performed surgery to remove a brain tumor from our resident fantasy writer), that I can diagnose the condition the Jets’ defense is suffering from.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

That’s right everyone. Tom Brady shredded the Jets’ defense so badly two weeks ago that it has the Jets seeing ghosts. Every time the defense gets ready to tackle an Oakland player, they flashback to the mean man in patriot-blue who wears the Number 12 and plays with perfectly inflated footballs.

Seriously though, something is terribly, terribly wrong with this defense, and it’s not just the fact that they’re suffering from PTSD. It’s not just that they play for the Jets either (though that is part of it). This defense went from number 1 in the league two weeks ago to getting absolutely shredded by the Oakland Raiders, who, while aren’t the laughing stock they once were, are still one of the youngest offenses in the NFL. If this defense can’t get some therapy to help cope with the fact that they’ll never undo what the mean man did to them on October 25, 2015, then this team isn’t going anywhere.

Also, can you really blame Geno Smith for this loss? I mean, you can, because you can blame Geno Smith for anything, but still. This one wasn’t on the offense, even though it might be tempting to say so, given that Geno Smith is the worst quarterback in the NFL. Or, at least the worst quarterback in the NFL outside of San Francisco. No, this one wasn’t on the offense, who were simply unable to pick up the slack of their shell of a defense. 

Buffalo Bills:

rex-bills

The Bills were on bye this week! I don’t have to write about them! Woo Hoo!!!!!!

If you would still like to read some content for this section, because damnit you came here for an entire AFC East recap, and you won’t settle for less, then fine.

Bah Blah EJ Manuel, Bah Blah LeSean McCoy. Bah Blah defense, Bah Blah Ronald Darby, Bah Blah DPOY?

Bah Blah joke, Bah Blah analysis, Bah Blah bad joke, Bah Blah rant about how my parents don’t actually love me, which you all think is a joke but is something that actually causes me psychological trauma and is the reason why I go to see a therapist twice a week. That, and I think I have PTSD after watching the Jets get shredded by Tom Brady.

Miami Dolphins:

lolphinz.0

Again, I’m not going to make you guys relieve this past Thursday, even if Dan “Old Ironsides” Campbell has been playing that game on repeat in his living room so that he never forgets, and never forgives. This is the first real test for Dan “Nut up or Shut up” Campbell, as he tries to rebound from the first loss of his career. There weren’t really any areas the Dolphins needed to work on after Thursday night; it’s all a matter of execution. Now, I’m not saying that Dan “The Real Vin Diesel” Campbell executed captured terrorists as an example of how the offense needs to play, but I’m also not saying he didn’t. Because, let’s be honest, he totally did.

Again I’m not going to say much here; you guys probably get sick of reading about the Dolphins by the time my recap rolls around. But Dan “The Master Chief” Campbell needs to get his team a win on Sunday, and it won’t be easy against a Bills team that’s Bah Blah Tyrod Taylor, Bah Blah healthier, Bah Blah still good defense (I really don’t wanna write about the Bills today if I don’t have to). Dan “Back in ‘Nam” Campbell needs to show his mental toughness at practice this week, and hope that his players can do the same this Sunday against the Bah Blah.

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