Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Breakdown of Week Seven in the AFC East
Hello comrades! I come to you all today to inform you that the capitalist pigs in charge of The “Cheap” End Miami want to start putting advertisements on the website! We cannot allow for this comrades! Voice your complaints, or donate money to show that you support an advertisement free Deep End! This will be a glorious victory for the Party! And remember comrades, though we are all equal, some of us are more equal than others!
Note From the Editor: a small banner ad hasn’t killed anyone yet.
And with my 1980’s communistic monologue out of the way, let’s dive in to Week 7.
New England Patriots:
The unstoppable force met the immovable object this week, and the unstoppable force elected to just throw the ball right over said-object. The Patriots pulled out a close one against the Jets defense, which is clearly the best in the NFL right now.
I’d like to start off by welcoming Brandon LaFell back into the game, as he spent the first 6 weeks injured and on the bench. I’d now like to ask LaFell to please return there until he finds the hands he clearly lost at some point during the offseason. LaFell was only the prime offender in a day that saw the Patriots receivers tie for the most drops in a single game in the Tom Brady era. Even Edleman was shaky, dropping a crucial pass in the end zone that would have meant 7 points instead of 3. The bright spot on offense was Danny Amendola, who picked up the slack among the Patriots receiving core. He is quietly becoming the player he was originally paid to be, but only after he restructured his contract and took less money. So they ended up with a better receiver for less… damn Belichick, you work in mysterious ways.
The Patriots defense did a fine job limiting an injured Chris Ivory (and friends) on the ground, but Malcom Butler spent the better part of the day getting burned by… crap, what’s that guy’s name again? C’mon, married to the really hot singer, used to catch passes from a guy with a forehead the size of Mount Rushmore? Oh right, Eric Decker. This unit still needs to get more pressure if it wants to mask its deficiencies in the secondary, but if Brady keeps playing like he has, it might not matter.
New York Jets:
Sigh. Do I have to talk about the Jets twice in one article? Double sigh. The Jets defense played arguably its best game of the year, as they managed to slow the Patriots onslaught enough to give their offense a fighting chance. It’s clear now, however, that the Jets rely on two things to win games. And the first is forced turnovers. The Jets defense failed to give their offense extra possessions, though they did manage some early three-and-outs in the first half. This defense needs to force turnovers in order to win games, and they failed to do so against a perfect Pats offense.
Now onto the second thing the Jets need to win; Chris Ivory. Ivory was hobbled by some sort of injury in the first half, but actually seemed to get healthier as the game went on. One thing is clear after Ivroy’s injured half: this offense will only go as far as he carries them. Fitzpatrick and friends make a ragtag passing attack, but not the kind that will win games if opponents shut down the run game.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I know I’m going to regret it, but the Jets are goo—blarrgghh—are good this year. That doesn’t mean they’ll end the year strong. At the end of the day, the Jets are still the Jets, and all the Bowles magic in the world can’t change that.
Ughhh, I really don’t want to write about the Bills. Like I REALLY don’t want to write about the Bills. Can we consider this a bye week? Ugh. Without Tyrod Taylor, what’s the point? There’s no excitement.
Wait. The Bills lost? To the Jags? OK, now we have something to talk about. The Bills lost a close game to the Jaguars, widening the gap between them and other Wild Card hopefuls. EJ Manuel was nearly able to win the game for the Bills after trailing 27-3 early on, but he’s also the person whose struggles let the game get that out of hand in the first place. As I said earlier, when everyone on this offense is healthy, they have what it takes to win football games. But EJ Manuel doesn’t give the Bills offense the same explosiveness as Tyrod Taylor, and he makes more mistakes. Taylor can’t come back soon enough for Rex Ryan, who presumably has already gotten a tattoo on his back of Taylor in bed with his wife.
The Bills defense showed yet again that when their pass rush can’t get to the quarterback, their secondary gets exposed. Blake Bortles and his twin Allens have given the Jags a respectable passing attack, and it tore the Bills apart all day. The Bills fared no better than against the run game, as they gave up 115 yards on 20 rushes to TJ Yeldon. And because I’m not going to do the math, I’ll approximate that at too-many-yards-per-carry. The Bills defense can’t collapse like this if they want to win games, and especially if they want to make it into the Wildcard this year.
As some of you may or may not know, there are fantasy football articles on the Deep End Miami. The writer for these articles has decided, after my last two articles filled with Dan “insert funny name here” Campbell jokes, that he would also like to start making these jokes. I politely asked him to stop (and by “politely” I mean I used only one curse word), and he said that he would not. So here we go.
I would like you all to know that I beat your resident “fantasy expert” 155-112, and he is now in 5th place out of 12 people, while I am in 2nd. Last year, Jacob and I faced off in the fantasy Superbowl, where I crushed him due to the Colts implosion against the Cowboys last year in Week 16 (he had started 4 Colts players, including Andrew Luck). The year before that, Jacob failed to make the playoffs due to tie-breakers, though he did win the losers bracket. And our first year playing, Jacob lost the fantasy Super Bowl to another Deep End Writer, Brendan Haggerty.
And the year before that, we were playing two hand touch football outside of my editor’s house. I had the ball, and was barreling straight towards Jacob (which is not very fast, I assure you). Rather than stay in my way and attempt to get two hands on me, Jacob instead flung himself out of my way and onto the ground, where he proceeded to curl up into a ball and say “Christian is an evil [expletive] who eats Jewish babies” over and over again while rocking back and forth. This is not an exaggeration, and it is too stupid to make up. This actually happened. And so, I have used the Dolphins section of my article to issue a formal directive for Jacob to STAY IN HIS [expletive] LANE.
Oh yeah, and Dan “The Iron Curtain” Campbell’s Dolphins look pretty good. Too bad it won’t matter come Thursday. Peace out.
Note From the Editor: These are all true things. Except for the part about Thursday night.