Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Take on Week Six in the AFC East

THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL!!!!!

Sorry, I had an insane biology test to prepare for last week, and that was the gist of it. And with that trivial bit of knowledge, I know my incredibly intelligent and loyal readers can put two and two together and figure out why there wasn’t a recap last week. But we’re back now, so strap in.

New England Patriots:

Max, you know what to do here.

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Sigh, not what I meant.

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Congratulations Pete Carrol, you no longer hold the “worst-play-call-of-all-time-against-the-Patriots” award. Chuck illustrated beautifully here what happens when you try to out-think the Hoodie. But this is supposed to be about the Patriots, not the Colts, so let’s move on.

Could Brady’s first pick of the season have been any less of his fault? I know that Edleman was playing with a busted finger that was roughly the shape of a hockey stick, but did you have to bat the ball up so perfectly? Bobbled ball aside, the Patriots passing attack was once again immaculate, with Danny Amendola being particularly involved. The Patriots were light on running plays, but Bill Belichick cares not for your “balanced attack” crap. If he can beat you passing the ball on 70% of plays, then damnit that’s how he’s going to beat you.

It’s surprising that Blount has never been arrested despite the battery charges he’s been faced with in every game he’s played against the Colts. Seriously, I’m starting to think he should get to brand the ass of every single Colts defensive player, because this man is unstoppable.

Note From The Editor: He was arrested for possession of marijuana in 2014. AKA the only reason New England had a chance to sign him that year.

Chuck Pagano and the Colts have been gashed by Blount or pseudo-Blount (aka Jonas Gray) every game since he joined the Patriots, and they have yet even slow him down, let alone stop him. If the Colts have ever employed a game plan to stop Blount (and it sure doesn’t look like they have), it’s been about as effective as the Steeler’s Week 1 “don’t cover Gronk” strategy.

The Patriots defensive played well-ish. It left me feeling decidedly “meh”, which isn’t something I should feel with a group as talented as this. Against a struggling Colts offense and a shaky offensive line, I wanted to see more out of this unit. Oh well. Rob Ninkovinch’s last name is really fun to say, so I’ve got that at least.

New York Jets:

I’m gonna level with you, there’s no way in hell I was ever gonna watch Jets-Redskins. Seriously, I don’t even think the coaches wanted to watch that game. So rather than talk about a game I did not, and have no intention of watching, I’d rather discuss a troubling article I read while trying to wading through the pile of filth and garbage that is Jets media.

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It was titled “6 Stats that show the Jets are #1” or something like that. I’ll admit, I lost a few brain cells reading the article, so bear with me. It basically cited the Jets run game and defense as reasons why the Jets should be number 1 in the NFL Power Rankings. So, in order to counter the general stupidity of such an article, I made my own list of stats that show the Jets are #1 in the NFL (I kept it short and simple so Jets fans could understand).

  1. They [expletive] aren’t.

You heard it here first folks; they aren’t the best team in the league. Do you understand yet? If not, go ahead and go through the list one more time, and it should come to you. They are not the best team in the NFL. Do they have a good run game? Yup. Do they have a good defense? Yup. Will it matter when Brady eviscerates the Jets for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns this week? Absolutely not.

Buffalo Bills:

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Is Karlos Williams the best running back on the Bills roster? Nope. Shady had a great day on the ground, notching 90 yards on 17 carries, which is a “not-bad” yards per carry (I’m came here to write, not do math). EJ Manuel was serviceable as the Bills starting quarterback, but he fails to ignite that offense like Tyrod Taylor. Injuries are starting to pile up for the Bills offense, and their paper-thin offensive depth has been exposed. Just like I said it would. SHUT UP DAVE I TOTALLY CALLED IT! NUH UH! MAN [expletive] YOU DAVE!*

Ahem, on to defense. The Bills did a good job of keeping AJ Green locked down, but failed to stop Dalton’s second, third, and fourth options. The pass rush just wasn’t there for the Bills last week, and that can’t happen if they want to mask their relative weakness at the secondary position.

And can we just all stop and take a deep breath before we board the Andy Dalton Hype Train? I’m all for gingers being considered people too (no I’m not), but he does this all the time. Put him in prime time or in the playoffs, and he does what all vampires do when exposed to bright light: become really bad quarterbacks.

*Dave doesn’t actually exist. Not like the lizard people. They’re real.

New York Jets:

I’m sorry, I know I’ve gotta get to this week’s batch of Dan Campbell nicknames, but come on! There are really people who think this is Jets’ team is the best in the NFL? Are you [expletive] kidding me? I’m sorry, stupid people just make me sad sometimes. I need something to help cheer me up.

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Ah, much better.

Miami Dolphins:

So this certainly looks like a new team. And by “looks like a new team” I mean I wonder if Dan “The Hacksaw” Campbell has ever crushed a watermelon in his bicep before? I would wonder about a human, head, but I think we all know the answer to that.

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Dan “The Dan Campbell” Campbell has really made this team his own, and you can tell this is a far more physical team than it was two weeks ago. Dan “Establishing The Run” Campbell realized that Lamar Miller is actually a pretty good running back, and unlike Joe “Vanilla Tapioca” Philbin decided to use him. The blocking was the best I have seen from the Dolphins all year, and the defense actually looked like they were there to play football instead of just earn a particularly large paycheck.

Dan “My Biceps Are Bigger Than Your Biceps” Campbell is doing everything in his power (that’s a lot of power) to show he deserves the Dolphin’s head coaching job for good. He’s only beaten the injury-plagued Titans, and the team plays the somewhat uninspired Texans next week. His first real test won’t be the Patriots; that’s not even fair. His first test will be responding to his first loss and rallying his players for the next game. If he can do that, Dan “Crocodile Dun Dee” Campbell might be your head coach for a good little while.

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