Behind Enemy Lines: A Comedic Breakdown of Week Four in the AFC East
You’ve gotta be kidding me. The Dolphin’s get a new coach, and all of a sudden my all-important weekly article gets bumped by 24 hours. Can you believe this? Please email my editor at firstname.lastname@example.org to let him know just how pissed you are. Anyways, better late than never. Let’s do this.
Note from the Editor: He typed my actual email address. I’m sorry for not being THAT available.
New England Patriots:
I get the reasoning behind the absurd Week 4 bye week. Roger Goodell was sitting at home thinking, “Well, Brady and the Pats are gonna be pissed that I tried to suspend him. If he beats the suspension and plays those games, I’ll need something to try and slow their momentum. I know! I’ll give them a Week 4 bye! That’ll work!”
Note from the Editor: Ignoring the fact that the schedule came out in May.
It won’t work. Because this past week, the Patriots were preparing. I going to give you a glimpse, just a glimpse, into the world that is the Patriots bye week.
Belichick sat at a desk in his basement, twenty different monitors playing the film from Week 4’s games. While he stares unblinkingly, he cuts the sleeves off of a hooded sweatshirt, before tossing it in an ever-growing collection sleeveless hoodies. Watching. Waiting.
Brady spent his time off destroying cellphones by throwing footballs at them. From 80 yards down field. With his left hand.
Edleman spent his week off peddling his JE11 clothing brand to passersby. When he wasn’t successful, probably because he decided to sign with Puma (eternal question mark), he went out for ice cream with Danny Amendola to cheer himself up.
Gronk did with his time off what Gronk does with Gronk’s time off. Which of course means he attended a few lectures on theoretical astrophysics and took a trip to Rome to tour historic landmarks and enjoy fine Italian cuisine.
All jokes aside (I’m pretty sure the thing with Edleman happened, though) the Patriots were hard at work. And for those expecting the Pats to lose steam coming out of the bye, don’t hold your breath. The Patriots “Go F*^# Yourself Tour” is coming soon to a town near you*.
New York Jets:
The following email was pulled from Todd Bowles’ computer following the Jets’ victory last week over the Dolphins.
Dear Mr. Bowles,
It has come to my attention that you asked Mr. Ryan “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick to throw 29 passes in last week’s contest against the Dolphins. While I understand that at times you want to give Chris Ivory a break and that you had planned to take advantage of a struggling Dolphin’s pass defense, 29 passes is simply 14 passes too many. If Ivory gets that tired, I recommend putting one of your 12 other running backs in for a few plays. Hell, go ahead and put Brandon Marshall in your backfield for a few reps if you need to. Please just understand that the answer is never to ask Fitzy to throw the ball more than is absolutely necessary (and that number is 0). Thank you, and have an excellent week.
See? Not even Fitzy’s agent wants him throwing the ball. That totally authentic Deep End exclusive email sums up the Jets offense, which has managed to find success when relying heavily on the run game. The defense was also impressive, but the Dolphin’s offense isn’t much of a measuring stick to compare yourself to (I know it hurts Dolphin’s fans*, but at least now you have a head coach who can beat any of his players senseless if they don’t listen to him). The pass rush continues to work wonders in tandem with the Jets’ impressive secondary, and will continue to give teams nightmares. The Jets have yet to prove themselves a truly formidable team (they barely beat a struggling Colts unit while dropping one to a similarly maligned Eagles). Despite the hot start, don’t expect much from the Jets once their schedule starts to toughen up. Also, don’t expect much from them because they’re the Jets.
*I refuse to address you as “Dolfans,” “Dolphans,” or any similar combination of words that I find to be a senseless butchering of the English language.
Note from the Editor: You consider it a butchering of the English language because your head coach only knows two words. “Next question.”
Guess who finally got the green light to write about the Dolphins! No, not me. I’m just gonna start doing it anyways. And since you already get a mouthful of REAL Dolphins analysis, I’m here to give you analysis that’s actually fun to read (and more importantly, fun to write). And what better time to start, because the Dolphins have a new head coach:
Ok, it isn’t John Cena. But in a fight between to the two, I think I’m going with the Dolphins new HC. I mean seriously, Dan “Protein Shake” Campbell looks like he bench presses Ndamukong Suh every morning before practice. This is a guy who looks like he could flatten a football simply by squeezing it between his forearm and biceps (yes I’m making Deflategate jokes now; humor is part of the healing process). Dan “I’m Bigger Than You” Campbell doesn’t just look like he used to play tight end in the NFL, he looks like he could play RIGHT NOW. This guy could easily take all but two head coaches in a one-on-one fist fight. Yes, one of them is Belichick, due to his mystical roots. The other, of course, is Andy Reid, who might simply digest Dan “The Man” Campbell before Dan could injure any vital organs. Granted, if any human were to actually digest Dan “The Ribeye” Campbell, whom I can only assume is 100% pure protein, their max squat would spike by over 300 lbs.
Did we learn anything today? Absolutely not. But I’ll be damned if I don’t find a nickname that sticks for Dan “All Natural Beef Patty” Campbell by the end of the year.
The Bills spent their bye week going over the funda- what? The Bills played this week? Ohhhhh that’s right, I remember something about them complaining that Odell Beckham Junior was punching their defenders. The Bills lost to the Giants 24 -10, a fact I only knew when I googled it 30 seconds ago. While it’s surprising that the Bills lost this game, it’s even more surprising that the team who leads the league in unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and personal fouls is complaining about an opposing receiver throwing punches (note: I have no idea if the Bills lead the league in either of those types of fouls, but damnit it makes sense). Rex, you wanna build a bully? Then don’t let your players groan about a 2nd year wide receiver throwing punches at them. You wanna be a bully? Do it. But don’t whine and complain when someone decides to punch back.
Now, onto analysis; that thing that I’m paid to do (not). As I predicted, as soon as one of the cogs in this offense fell apart, the offense stalled. Without LeSean McCoy, the Bills offense was stagnant. I expected Karlos Williams to get the job done, but he was unable to find room to run behind Buffalo’s shaky line. The defense played well, but they were lost in a sea of yellow flags that gave the Giants short field position all day. If the Bills can learn to talk less and play more, and to play within the rules, this is still a unit that could very easily find itself in the playoffs come December.